Felt a bit of hormonal depression last night after I left physical therapy.  They forgot me there. That’s right, they just all forgot I was there.  It’s like, I just can’t. Because of that, I wasn’t seen til like 8.45 and then didn’t leave til after 9. Cripes.  That was the final straw of feeling bad about myself, though I realize there’s nothing to be specfically depressed about.  It was just the icing on the cake, the cherry on my fabulously long week.

Ugh.  A bit out of sorts clearly. It is so particularly ridiculous that every time I feel a bit down I focus on not being in a relationship, all the disasterous dating/whatever that I do that really never comes to anything. I haven’t fully lost hope, because I see that there are people out there that I like, but as I’m getting older, it’s clear that a lot of them are taken, or just not great in some way. I’m not trying to be super picky, it’s just the facts. It’s also becoming clear that I’m just not going to be in any relationship, and while I think that my ’standards’ are normal range, it’s gonna take a lot to lift me from my comfy single life to want to change it all around for someone.  Or even change it a little. I try not to feel that way, but it’s hard. And then I wonder, maybe with the right person it would be easy? Or is it supposed to be hard and you just try really hard to make it work? No real clue.

Anyhoo, trying to focus on the positive. Like the fact that my nails look really good this week because they are long, and I haven’t been biting them, and I picked the perfect coral yet not too coral color at the nail salon, where I had time to go this week during work cuz I wasn’t too swamped. See, that’s a nice thing. Also I have a nice weekend planned of outdoors in NYC on Saturday and shopping for the apt. on Sunday.

Gosh, I wish I was in my bed reading right now. I might have to read Gone w. the Wind again. Soon. It’s been a few years and I’m due for a nice escape to the Civil War when things were easy!

My darling Chels – feel so much better! I’m freaked out right now.

For those of you who dno’t know, the best person in the world who does not deserve for so much bad stuff to be happening to her has had a string of bad luck. Even worse than mine, if that’s possible!

The latest? A terrible car accident where the car actually flipped over. In her resourcefulness, she managed to get out of the car through the windsheild, and miraculously, is fine except for scratches all over.

Poor poor girl! I’m not sure how much I am liking Vermont right now on Ms. Chelsea’s behalf.

But it sounds like everything will be fine, and after all that, she actually is really lucky to have gotten out of that debacle with only scratches.

From what I’ve heard, the car is quite another story and is completely wrecked.

I’m gonna wear my lucky four leaf clover to send Chels some better luck

A half day and I’m sitting around while everyone is leaving, doing my timesheet, since someone won’t get out of work so he can drive me to the train station.  Sigh. Such is my life.

In my boredom, I started making a list of words that I like.  Not their meanings, but the sound of them.  Some are best spoken with a British accent. I will now subject you, fair readers, to my musings.  Post a comment if you have others!

• Blank page
• clearly
• obsession
• Twilight
• intense
• Episcopalian
• fondue
• mesmerizing
• perhaps
•  indeed
• forthwith
• fabulous
• insane
• ridiculous
• contrary

I am having big time buyers remorse right now.  It doesn’t feel good. After I shop, I like to have that great, elated feeling of owning many nice things that I love.  And while I do feel that, it’s tempered by an icky feeling of remorse for spending all that money because:

a. It’s a bad economy, and I should be saving, not spending money.

b. The last weekend I was home, I spent a lotta money at the Banana Republic outlet. I really needed things! I got all these pants, and other summer essentails (not even anything fun and colorful), but I spent.  Everything was on such a good sale though!

c. I need to still buy stuff for my apartment, and pay off the expensive couch I bought. I need to be shifting some of my ’supporting the economy like it’s going out of style’ funds from the clothing fund, to the apartment one.

I got some good items.  I really needed the three tank tops I bought because I wear those under everything, almost everyday.  Then I needed the two capris I bought, for bumming around on the weekend.  I got a great red work dress. All these items were on sale.  Then, the one item that isn’t, I just really loved.  It’s a comfortable yet fancy dress for meetings, and possibly a pitch.  I really don’t NEED it though.  And it was the only full priced item. Oh my. Buyers remorse am I.

I muuuust be better with conserving money this month. I MUST. Also I have a lot more expenses now I switched apartments, like paying for my entire cable on my own, and the electric bill and wash and fold (which is surprinsingly great! Hardly miss my washer dryer).  So much SAVE. Stop all the shoppping!! Not to mention, a few shopping trips forgone,and I can pay for the new laptop that I NEED (since mine died, tear) instead of frivilous items that I really don’t.  Sigh. I just so much prefer shopping for clothes and accessories than anything else. 

Ok – one last shopping trip today was fine, as long as I realize it’s the last and use this month to conserve.  Friends and family – be reminding me of this please!!

What to post, what to post?

Hmm, well I’ve been on Facebook for the majority of the day, catching up with old friends.  Using the chat feature, one might ask? Haha No!!! Stalking them and their pictures, and walls, to figure out what’s going on with them.  It’s a useful tool to make sure that you don’t actually have to interact with them in order to figure out what they are up to. 

What did I find out? One ‘friend’ is married, another is going out wayyyy too much, 4 others joined the group “I like to punch people in the face” (which I almost joined too, but then reconsidered as potential suiters might not be so keen on that club membership), and that some people really like their dogs.

Hmmmmmmm.

Also, I finally watched the Bachelorette last night.  I find it so sad that I had no clue that it was even happening! To that, I can only chalk up to the incredibly busy two months that I’ve had. Which seems to be slowing down. Considerably.

Big hair. Gotta love it!

Anyway, my first thought is that the guys on there are increeeeedibly hot.  Like, incredibly.  My second though is, that guy with the foot fetish would have been the first to go.  Granted, she got rid of his last night, but I mean, to leave him and his foot fetish around for so long??? No no no no.

NOT OK

Here’s his parting words:

“I just don’t know what happened, I can’t believe I didn’t get a rose.  She let me rub her feet, so I know it’s not the foot fetish.  I wonder what it was.”

Hmmmmm. Well, it could also have been his answer to the question: What do you wear when you sleep? Mr. Foot Fetish gets up and REMOVES his pants in front of the Bachelorette, 3 video cameras, and 5 other guys.  And then he’s standing there in his tighty whities, chilling, while poor bachelorette covers her face.  It was so strange…just not pleasant.  I hope he at least was drunk.

There’s really a select few people in the world for whom that would go over well.  Their names are: Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Kris Allen (yay!), Leo DiCaprio, Halle Berry’s cute model BF and Rob Pattinson.  Otherwise, we could really do without.

Totally Ok. Carry on.

Anyhoo, she kept around a 25 year old break dancer.  Not saying he’s not attractive, buy lady, come ON.  Does Break Dancer really want to get married this year, next year, or anytime in the near future? I think not.  Words really are just words when you’re 25 and dno’t have a clue (I’m including myself in this clueless group).  Also, do I want to be a thirty something year old woman supporting a break dancer? I mean, hey, if she falls in love, great, but in the ideal world? Um no.

Actually, these boys and their cuteness factors are covering up a lot of strange flaws. One guy is a finniky eater, the other one is there for his country music career, the other guy she got rid of last night started sobbing (i’m not kidding here people) and said dejectedly “Well, I guess I’m the definition of the nice guy who finishes last” (PS, I thought he was really hot, and a pilot, but after those tears….

Then there’s Break Dancer. So a pretty bleak group, except for looks – wise.

Hmm, well I guess I decided to blog about the TV show I watched last night while eating dinner.  Hope you all enjoyed the synoposis.  Promise to try to be more interesting my next post, but it’s looking to a slow month.  Plus I’m trying to lay low before this rash of bad luck (which almost caused me to break my arm) passes.  I’m hoping July 1 everything will be as it was…

I’m about done with June. Done and done. I’ve had the worst luck ever this month, and it continues.

Yesterday, I’m rushing out of work so that I can get home and sleep off yet another hangover, and lo and behold on my way down the escalators, I fall on my ass.

Which is always kind of fantastic and humiliating, but to top it off, the stairway is about to end, and I can hardly get up because my arm is in excrutiating pain.

So I’ve either sprained my arm (when trying desperately to stop myself from falling) or f-ed up the rotator cuff. Fab.

Not to mention I’m giong home for the weekend today, so I have all these bags, and have to deal w. the train. Just. Great.

I think it’s good to know what type of person you are.  Moving will do that to a person.

Me? I’ve learned a lot about myself during this move.  One thing I’ve learned is that I’m not design-y. I don’t know what I want, if I have to think of it from scratch.  I’m one of those people who’s really good at looking at things they like, and trying to emulate them.  Thus my love for magazines, and picking out clothes I don’t have to make from scatch.

Hence, I’m the type of person who would like, simply, to move into a furnished, gorgeous apartment where everything makes sense.  You know, the couch is already where it’s supposed to be, at the proper size, and there are tables and chairs already.  The kitchens would actually, in this dream world, have countertops! There wouldn’t be a huge gas heater or lord knows what, in the corner, looking strange.

The bedroom would have lots of closet space, and shoe holders, and curtains.

I would be happy to pick out colors for things, and like, pillows. Maybe a picture or two for the wall.

Perhaps this is why I’m having such trouble understanding my ‘quirky’ apartment.  Add the quirkiness to the fact that I’ve never actually bought furniture, read a design book, or been particularly interested in setting up a quirky apartment. Sigh. I just want to be sitting in my perfect living room, drinking wine and having the sun shine in.

I’m being really negative, and the apartment really is nice. Just needs a bit of work.  It has high ceilings, it’s all painted very nice, there is now water pressure in the shower, I’m getting a new fridge soon from the landlord.  I just want it all to be great.

 

See? Perfect Bedroom. I know I like that one!!

Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress StressStress Stress Stress

Moving is stressful and so is getting deathly sick right in the middle of it.  Living in my apartment now is so weird.  Just so weird.  Honestly, it’s a lot to adjust to.  First of all, I’m living alone now, and it’s weird.  Weird good, because my roommates were strange rangers, but it’s strange not to hear the sounds of people living around you. 

Instead, there’s just silence. 

Which in it’s way is nice, and something that I know I’ll get used to and really enjoy.  But for now, it’s just weird.

Anyway, that on top of the fact that I own pretty much only bedroom furniture, don’t know what an electricity bill looks like, don’t know how even to put curtains up by myself…all of this is leading to a very strange existence the last week, since I moved in.

Also, the apartment isn’t perfect. It’s verrrry quirky.  Which I know that for the great rent that I’m paying is worth it, but it’s just weird to have to try extra hard to have everything be normal.

I admit, last night, sweatinggggg my ass off (that’s another thing I don’t know how to do, install an air conditioner, which is desperately needed) I tried to log onto the internet.  And when the wireless that I’m paying all by myself for, or the damn computer, wasn’t working, I just started crying.  Crying because I was totally alone, with air conditioner crap at my feet, wires everywhere, a TV set up with no couch in front of it, a kitchen that’s a mess and a ton of things to do…and on top of that, I’m supposed to go to WORK all week?

On top of all that, I don’t even want to go into the pseudo non-relationship that I’m having, or really not having.  I will kill the person who created text messaging…it is the devil. I should just cancel my service. Wow I am so going to think about that.  Actually, the person who created it is FINE.  It’s the person who won’t PICK UP THE DAMNED PHONE AND CALL A PERSON LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, that I am not fine with. 

I realize that I should just do a clean break with this person, it will never work out and I know this already…but I don’t know.  There is something there and I NEVER like anyone, so the fact that I actually like this person, despite his many many faults, is something.  And I know myself, that I’m hard on people, that I’m hard on myself, and that can be a tricky combination when dealing w. a relationship, where you get to know all of someone’s imperfections (and in this case, clearly rather quickly)…Ugh.  Plus since we’re in the non relationship place, it’s hard for me to ask for the boy help that I really need.  Like, putting together furniture and dealing w. my air conditioners. 

Note to self – next time you move, make sure you have a definite boyfriend for 3-6 months (or more) beforehand.  That way you can force them into all the boy things that you need when moving, like someone to deal .w the movers, and the heavy stuff and setting up the TV.

I know I don’t sound like a very empowered woman, but dude, dealing w. all this bullshit is HARD.  I have a lot of other things to worry about than dragging a television up three flights of stairs, you know?  Anyway, clearly I need to learn some new skills and looks like I’m going to, since setting up this apartment is no where NEAR over.

Anyway, thank the lord I have some really great friends who are helping me every step of the way, though I know how annoying I must be to keep asking. And my parents were pretty good this weekend, despite my dad and his ridiculous behavior and being like, mad that I don’t know everything about driving in New Jersey. I can only do as good as my MapQuest tells me to.

Anyway, all of this change has really put my job and going to work in a new light.  I’m so happy to be at my little desk, with my few things that are easy to keep organized, where my email/te internet always works, and wires are hidden in the desk because the computer people did that, because they are experts and that is their job.  Where all I have to worry about are the tasks at hand and things that are pretty much within my skill level.  Not like, manual labor, which is what I’ve been dealing with at home.

Oh well, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, that everything will turn out fine and the apartment will come together and be great. It’s just a lot of change, and even change for the better can be difficult, so to my close friends, bear with me and keep me company until this is more or less over and I can concentrate on the fun stuff, like what kind of wine glasses and dishes to buy once my kitchen is all set up!

And I signed up for Twitter. Could not help myself.

It is actually very cool! All the little updates are fun. I’m following like 40 people/news sites right now.  It’s interesting and better, very short.  There are a ton of cool links to articles and notable blogs. 

Sign up people – it’s the wave of the future!

In other news, I wish I was still on vacation.  Really having trouble getting back into the swing of things.  Need to get work done, and go through about 800 emails, but I’m just not motivated.  I’d be very happy to snuggle under my covers right now and sleep for the rest of the afternoon.  Though being at home is more stressful than even being here, since my whole room is an explosion of STUFF.  Hate moving.

So maybe I’ve had one of those weird, surreal weeks where, I don’t know, everything feels a bit tilted.  Like falling down from a place high up, in a dream, and waking with a start.  That kind of surreal.

But, at least I know I always have my sister, who tooooooootally gets me, lets me drone on for hours, and is completely, always looking out for my own best interests.  And somehow, on top of offering good advice/her take on things/her experience, is also able to be completely, totally and truthfully non-judgmental.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, she has my mom’s wisdom and grace.  Sadly, this seems to have skipped my generation along with the straight hair.  I’ve ended up with the curls and drama. C’est la vie.

Thanks my dear